Long and Winding post

 Under the cut is a lot of whinging including  reasons for my lack of posting and commenting.

(also i tried to upload some photos for a post today. Blogger seems to have changed the uploader and it doesn't work at all for me, anyone else having this problem)

My disability

I got a comment on my blog yesterday that upset me a bit. It was asking about my social phobia, the commenter didn't understand how i could truly have it when from what she'd seen in my blog i seemed to have quite an active social life.

I realise now that if you don't have anxiety yourself, or know someone who has it, it can be very difficult to understand. And I guess if you only know me online (which is basically all of my followers) i do come across as quite a cheerful, gregarious person. I'm sorry to the original commenter that i overreacted a bit, i know you didn't mean anything offensive by it. It's just difficult to me to have to prove my disability and when you asked why i was living off the government it just sort of seemed you were implying that i was lying about my disability. I understand you weren't now and just didn't understand.

So for anyone who's interested here's a short explanation of my disability and how it affects me.

Illamasqua Week has ended!

So my Illamasqua Week (yes yes it was more like a month, but i'm still calling it a week because i'm stubborn) is now finally drawing to an end. I really liked having the focus on one brand because it forced me to write lots of reviews, where often i can be quite lazy and keep to quick, easy posts, but reviewing all my products and doing looks and things in one week was a rediculous idea, and there were times I wanted to post about other products but didn't want to because i was doing this Illamasqua project. So i think i will do more themed posts similar to this, but will do it in months to give myself enough time to review everything thoroughly and also continue with other posts unrelated to the theme.

So since the start of this project my feelings for Illamasqua have not changed, i still love them dearly and they are my absolute favourite high-end brand, but that does not mean i love everything they make, the cream eyeshadows were very disappointing and i really didn't like the one lipstick i've tried (though i don't believe what i thought would be true of all their lipsticks, i need to try another colour) and while i like their powder eyeshadows i don't think they are particularly special. However their lipglosses and pencils are the best i've ever tried, the blush i have is amazing in it's staying power and pigmentation and i really like all of the other products I have tried. I love the ideas and aesthetics behind the brand, i've found their customer service to be very friendly and helpful and, well i just love them. I want to try all their products.

Their new collection, Body Electrics, is coming out next month. Their blog described the collection as '"Due for a mid April launch across all counters in the UK - and May in the US - Body Electrics celebrates the body in motion, enhances your individual contours and is an explosion of electrifying energy. Again, we have new product textures and some otherwordly shades and unique finishes." I cannot wait! I'm so excited.
I have been invited to go to the blogger event to preview the products and words can't described how happy and honoured i am. This will be my first ever blogger event and i'm just so overwhelmed that i would be invited. It will be a big step for me to go because of my bravery (i imagine i will need a lot of Dutch Courage) but i am absolutely going to go, i'm not going to let my anxiety stop me doing something i really want to do. I need to feel the fear and do it anyway :)

In other news my sister had a baby boy yesterday, both of them are fine and he looks like a creepy old man/alien/pig thing like all babies do to me :P

There are men on my roof

They're meant to be there, they are fixing the roof but i'm terrified. This is the first time i've been alone in the house with them around and i'm all shaky and nervous. I'm very scared to leave the house incase they see me so i've basically been hiding in the front room with the curtains closed. They're making really loud banging noises and things and it's really freaking me out :(  Whenever they talk to each other my heart skips a beat. They're going to be here for another week, but hopefully i won't be left alone with them again.
Also the front door has to stay open because they're using our plug sockets and it's cold! The poor dogs are going to have to wait until they've left for the day to have their afternoon walk because obviously i can't leave the house with the door open.

I've been photographing clothes to pop on my blog sale, i was wondering if maybe i should send the portion of the proceeds to Chile instead of Haiti now, i've already sent £30 from the sale to Haiti so maybe i should give some to Chile now? Anyone have any thoughts on the matter?

I'm really failing at my No-buy :( I just can't help buying stuff, it really is an addiction. I'm trying so, so hard though. I bought a few bits last week with some discount codes, but now i have even more codes and i'm scared i won't be able to keep myself from using them. I think i've worked out the root of my shopping addiction and it scares me a lot. I realised that i think what i own sort of defines me and if it weren't for the stuff i have people wouldn't like me or think i'm interesting. I know this sounds utterly ridiculous, and in my head i know it's not true but i think it's a deep seated thing in my head. It probably relates to my social phobia. When i had cognitive behaviour therapy for my phobia a few years ago my therapist (who was useless) kept going on and on about how i dress (which really irritated me) and i had to try and work out why i dress so 'outrageously' when i'm so shy. I couldn't fully work it out, but i thought of a few reasons.
1. There might be no reason at all, i just like what i like.
2. I dress the way i do because it creates a sort of 'front' to keep people away, because some people can get a bad impression of me because i look so silly.
3. Because i can't express myself like ordinary people, by talking to people, i express myself through the way i look.

Hmm that was all a bit morose wasn't it?

Here's a photo of me from last spring (i was so thin back then D: want to get back to that size please body!) in an outfit i love:

My 'graduation' photo

I refused to go to my actual graduation celebration because of my social phobia. So my Mum and Dad insisted on having a sort of fake celebration in a park when we went out to celebrate the fact that i had actually graduated. Looking back on it it was quite a sweet idea, but at the time i absolutely freaked out because it was sprung on me as a surprise and i had been expecting a nice treat, not having my photo taken in a park full of people staring at me. I got so scared and panicked at the idea that i was in tears for about ten minutes before i finally managed to calm down and this picture was taken.



Not the most thrilling outfit or makeup, but i want to show off my amazing bunny shoes and you can't tell but the graduation cap has mickey mouse ears :)

Mikey (repost from my other blog)

A while back i went to see my friend Mikey play a gig at a pop-up gallery in Putney.

This is Mikey:



(i helped make the video :P i made the little forest set he's in and on the day of filming i had to keep running back and forth between two rooms putting the track on for him to lip-synch to. My arm can be seen for about a second XD don't ask me what's going on with the weird psychadelic editing bits)



He is the most pretentious person i've ever met, flaky and frustrating beyond measure, arty to the point of nonsense and i love him.

To me there are few things better than watching a 42 year old man doing scissor kicks in a black glittery (possibly womans) catsuit singing to a backing track infront of a baffled crowd.

He is funny, smart, kind and really wonderful to have a conversation with. I wish i could spend more time with him, he's a great person to have as a friend/aquaintance.

It was Guy Fawkes night and my journey there was lovely as i could see fireworks bursting in the sky through the tube window.

I got to the gallery and was insantly completed intimdated by the many many cool, arty looking people milling around. I seemed to be the only person who came on their own and weren't actually connected to the gallery somehow. It was quite horrible. Some of the art up was very nice (someone had made a bunch of 2-D birds from pipe cleaners that were absolutely beautiful) but there was also a lot of stuff of the sort that makes people say 'its crap this modern art stuff, a child could do it!'.

Anyway Mikey played and that was good, except people kept talking over him and i could see his face crumpling with impotent rage. Also people kept pushing in front of me or just standing far too close and i began to feel panicy.
I'm not short by any means (im 5 foot 8) but for some reason whenever i am a crowd everyone seems to tower above me and i begin to feel very boxed in and feel invisible and yet at the same time i think everyone is looking at me in disdain.

After he finished playing i had planned to just leave without saying goodbye, because i feel like i am usually just bothering him. Unfortunately my plan went horribly wrong when i turned towards the door to discover a lot of the arty students (or indeed art students) were sitting on the floor right in front of the door.
I began to feel trapped and panicked horribly. For about 20 minutes i stood staring at a painting desperately trying to fend off tears and work out what i could do. You see in my head i was now trapped with no escape. I couldn't just walk past them. I feared them staring at me if i tried to go around them, and then there was the possibility that i could tread on someone or something important. I didn't know them so i couldn't ask them to move or even say 'excuse me'.

Eventually i began to hyperventilate and then had to go and find Mikey and get him to help me get out. How incredibly pathetic, i need someone's help to leave a room now! Anyway he was incredibly sweet about it and led me out and didn't make fun or anything. Afterwards he sent me some messages checking that i was ok and apologising that he couldn't do more to help me. While the experience was horrible it's really reaffirmed my friendship with him and in a way made me less ashamed to have this phobia. I can't help it and just need to be able to ask for help sometimes. And it was also nice because i was starting to think he didn't like me anymore.

Phew

I've finally finished replying to everyone's comments.
I wanted to just thank you all so much for your support and kindness. Hopefully now the drama will be gone from my blog for a long time, but someone has been kind enough to say they will actually send me some samples of Lime Crime eyeshadows so i can see for myself just how similar (i.e. identical) they are to TKB wholesale mica, so i'm afraid this isn't quite the end!

I feel a bit silly now because i did let Mary's comments get to me.
Firstly, i actually am a bit self-concious of my weight at the moment because i've gone up a dress size since last year, so being called fat, turkey necked and so on by a perfect stranger was not pleasant anyway.
I was bullied pretty much throughout my whole life until i was 18 and went to art college. Firstly because i was fat and a boffin, then in high school because i was weird and liked different music, clothes, etc from everyone, and then in sixth-form (when i assumed most people might have grown out of such things) for being weird again. I have however been proud of myself because, no matter what people have said or done to me, i've been true to myself and never compromised or pretended to be anything i'm not, and i've acted with dignity and never sunk down to name calling in retaliation.
Also I have a mental illness, Social Phobia and Social Anxiety Disorder, that makes me constantly worry that i am going to be attacked in some way in social situations. It makes me incredibly paranoid about what people think of me. It's basically like being constantly incredibly shy. In public i am unable to speak or approach anyone, even people i know. When i first started blogging i was too shy to comment on anyones journals even, and making my first video was a huge step. I've also been suffering from depression for the last year (though that is mainly under control now).
Up until now everyone in the beauty community that i've encountered have been incredibly kind, supportive and encouraging. Even though i'm no real makeup artist, and certainly can't compare to many of the others out there, everyone has seemed genuinely interested and even thankful for my opinions. I can't tell you how much it means to me everytime i get a new follower here or a new subscriber on youtube. I've never been able to share my opinions in public before, but now through this community i feel i'm finally able to actually do something that might be helpful to other people, even if it is just as trivial as giving my thoughts on a lipstick.

So i guess this Mary thing just frightened me a bit, that maybe this world i'd been so enamoured with had an ugly side that would be just as cruel to me as the strangers who shout rude things at me in the street.

It also just hit me hard as, through the allegations about Lime Crime i have tried to be as fair and diplomatic to her as possible, even though she had personally insulted me in the past so i might have more reason than others to want to slander her name (I was in fact disgusted by some of the comments about Doe, particularly regarding her appearance and someone who said she was probably lying about being bi-polar. Those things had nothing to do with her product or business practices and was just purely nasty) and yet not only was Doe lumping me, and anyone else with legitimate complaints or worries about her company, in with people who were just viciously and rudely attacking. And then Mary decided to pick on me in particular, calling me a troll when all i have done is posted in my own blog and occaisionally posted a comment on the Examiner article.

I was also just disgusted that anyone could think that just because i am a bit plump i could not have any valid opinions on the matter! I know she was probably just saying it to be cruel, but from what she wrote it really seemed like she actually believed what she was saying, that i would just be jealous of Doe simply because she is thinner than me.

However i'm happy to say that i, genuinely, am not upset at all by her comments anymore. After reading them over (Doe has now deleted all the comments from or about Mary *eyeroll*) the absolute stupidity of her comments has hit me and now i find thw whole thing very funny! Especially how she claimed i was lying about being an artist, why on earth would i do that? What is there possibly for me to gain by it? It boggles my mind.
And yes, i am a bit larger than i would like to be, but it's really not very important in the grand scheme of things. I still think i'm attractive, and more importantly i am kind, fair, polite and have a good sense of humour (this is fast becoming a would like to meet!)

Anyway i just wanted to once again thank all of you. It has meant so much to see new friends willing to defend me and happy to listen fairly to what i have to say.

I'm preparing to do a giveaway just to say thank you for following me, so watch this space :)