Friday, 5 March 2010

There are men on my roof

They're meant to be there, they are fixing the roof but i'm terrified. This is the first time i've been alone in the house with them around and i'm all shaky and nervous. I'm very scared to leave the house incase they see me so i've basically been hiding in the front room with the curtains closed. They're making really loud banging noises and things and it's really freaking me out :(  Whenever they talk to each other my heart skips a beat. They're going to be here for another week, but hopefully i won't be left alone with them again.
Also the front door has to stay open because they're using our plug sockets and it's cold! The poor dogs are going to have to wait until they've left for the day to have their afternoon walk because obviously i can't leave the house with the door open.

I've been photographing clothes to pop on my blog sale, i was wondering if maybe i should send the portion of the proceeds to Chile instead of Haiti now, i've already sent £30 from the sale to Haiti so maybe i should give some to Chile now? Anyone have any thoughts on the matter?

I'm really failing at my No-buy :( I just can't help buying stuff, it really is an addiction. I'm trying so, so hard though. I bought a few bits last week with some discount codes, but now i have even more codes and i'm scared i won't be able to keep myself from using them. I think i've worked out the root of my shopping addiction and it scares me a lot. I realised that i think what i own sort of defines me and if it weren't for the stuff i have people wouldn't like me or think i'm interesting. I know this sounds utterly ridiculous, and in my head i know it's not true but i think it's a deep seated thing in my head. It probably relates to my social phobia. When i had cognitive behaviour therapy for my phobia a few years ago my therapist (who was useless) kept going on and on about how i dress (which really irritated me) and i had to try and work out why i dress so 'outrageously' when i'm so shy. I couldn't fully work it out, but i thought of a few reasons.
1. There might be no reason at all, i just like what i like.
2. I dress the way i do because it creates a sort of 'front' to keep people away, because some people can get a bad impression of me because i look so silly.
3. Because i can't express myself like ordinary people, by talking to people, i express myself through the way i look.

Hmm that was all a bit morose wasn't it?

Here's a photo of me from last spring (i was so thin back then D: want to get back to that size please body!) in an outfit i love:


  1. *hugs*

    Firstly, I don't think you should worry at all about the way you dress, unless you find yourself waking up and feeling you MUST dress like it. If you do it because you like wearing what you wear and you enjoy dressing in the morning, then seriously, do not fret over that. You have awesome style, honestly :)

    As for putting on a front, I think that's probably true, but not necessarily a bad thing. I have very low self esteem and a multitude of 'problems' (which I don't mind talking about in private but not openly here!) but because I put on a bit of a front and often act the fool amongst friends I kind of hide behind that as I wouldn't want people seeing what I'm really like... or something like that... :)

    As for the men on the roof, not much advice there, just make sure someone can be with you the next few days they are there, I presume there are people who are aware of your phobia and will be more than happy to stick around for you :)

    Keep smiling xx

    (p.s - sorry for the epicly long comment!)

  2. You like what you like and even if it could be "putting on a front" so what? If it makes you feel more comfortable to dress a certain way for whatever reason then do it! Personally I love the way you dress and I love what you write in your blog.


  3. I can really sympathise with the men on the roof thing. I've had some of those recently, except mine were mostly in the roof space. I didn't want to be upstairs to start with because I kept thinking they would come through the celling on top of me!

    Tradesmen just don't seem to understand how uncomfortable it makes people feel when the door has to be left open all the time. x

  4. Crystal ( March 2010 at 08:35

    I have a shopping addiction because my life seems very dull and when I shop I feel a sort of high and life is interesting at that moment. Then it wears off and I want to shop again. I've started to remedy that situation by picking up more hobbies and concentrating on the fact I HAVE to have money to move in July...and if I don't have that money then I am stuck where I am!

    Also, I've read your blog for awhile and hadn't really commented until recently, but I don't think the stuff you have defines you. I think your writing, knack for makeup and your clothes making skills (in my mind) define who I see you to be as a person. Your convictions towards truth (via YouTube videos calling out LC) and things like that are the kind of person I envision you to be!

  5. The therapist probably thought you dress 'outrageously' because they were boring. You keep doing what you do ;) only with the stuff you already have, because of that no-buy.

    Can you not use an extension cable going out of the window (with the window shut on it) so they can use your leccy? Then you can go to a friend's if you have to be on your own with the men on the roof again.

  6. First: omg I hate behaviorist-cognitivist therapy so much! Arrrgh! - I'm so glad I don't have to study behaviorism anymore x.x'
    I know it works for some people but... daseinsanalysis for the win :p

    You dress in a very cute way and there might be a thousand reasons why you do that. - If it does not make you feel bad or suffer, there's no reason to mind it.

    I've talked to my therapist about the way I dress once ('cause I had some problems with it, friends, etc) and it was a very healthy conversation. She did not try to change my ways or to find the "causes".
    In the end we came to the conclusion that, whenever I felt I was dressing for myself and feeling comfortable about it, it was great in every way...

    It does not matter how you dress but how you feel about the way you dress.

    As one teacher once said: "it's healthier to dress in a way some find strange and feel comfortable about it than dress like everyone and suffer, 'cause you can't express yourself."

    I totally get the "men in the roof" thing, 'cause I have a small phobia... I fear men a lot! ^^' I'd rather walk some blocks to find a woman than asking directions to a men...

    I'm getting better (I can even sit next to a men on the bus!), but I'd be as terrified as you are if there were men working on my house and I was left alone.

    You are a lovely person Lillian. Don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise. (or else we'll kick their heads!)

  7. I have a shopping addiction probably because I didn't have the nicest childhood one could have. I was bullied because of my looks and things weren't so peachy at home, either. So when I order stuff, I feel like I'm getting presents. I know it sounds dumb but that's what it feels like.

    I think the problems you may or may not have aren't necessarily linked to the way you dress. I don't know you personally but when I read your texts and thoughts, I think they match with your appearance, if you know what I mean? You seem like a fun, independent, sassy lady and you dress the part! I personally wouldn't be "put off" by your appearance, quite the contrary!


  8. I sympathize very much with your fear of men on the roof as I have social phobia too and am also terrified of loud workmen/people in my space :/ and I also hear you on the shopping addiction. I'm a bit too poor to have a full-blown shopping addiction, but I do obsess over what to buy when I do have money, I think for me shopping makes me feel there is newness and excitment in my life and I'm addicted to that feeling when I feel stagnant.

    I think it's good to know that one is using coping strategies like shopping but not always 'bad', sometimes coping strategies are necessary if we don't have other ways to cope? *rants*

    Anyway, gah regarding the cbt-therapist, like another commenter, I'm not overly fond of them. I think the way you dress/wear makeup is awesome and I love how expressive it is :-) I don't think it's a bad thing to be expressing yourself through clothing if you can't express things verbally, at least the self expression is getting out somehow :-)

    Sorry for the long comment when I've only commented one other time *blush* just wanted to comment because your openness about this kind of thing is something I admire from reading your blog.


  9. Sounds like your therapist was a total twat, I had one in high school who was crazier than the people she saw - she made me play with pipe cleaners and made my friend beat up tissues. TISSUES.

    I personally don't think there has to be some kind of horrible deep-seated reason why you dress quirky, I think it's cute and we all like what we like :) If you feel comfortable, nothing should stop you.

  10. heehee I love you Lillian. That outfit is entirely amazing. You look like a doll I would have wanted.

  11. I feel bad for not having commented earlier, but have some e-hugs anyways :) *hugs* I hope having Millie and Sir Digby around helps.

  12. I personally think that it whatever you feel comfy in. If thats with your fun style and unique makeup just because society sees it as drawing attention its what makes u happy. I have been bombarded my whole life because if my style (black hair, pale skin, dark cloths, lots of costume jewelry) of how i should try this and that. I do here and there and each time i do i get thats so beautiful, and so on but i feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I always go back to what makes me happy and thats my love for black and paleness and well, being me. Even my close friends say that when i try other things because of pressure from others that i dont seem like me. So I decided to do whats good for me and if people dont like it shame on them.

    I am inspired by your look and you seem really confident. I used to have a hard time myself until college with social anxiety ( i have crazy panic attacks) I'm sorry, its not something very pleasant to deal with.

    I wish you well, just be faithful to your self and your needs before any one elses. Your a very sweet and thoughtful person.

    All my best

  13. I don't think you should be scared of those men, as they are just doing their job of repairing your roof. Actually, I know many roofers who are friendly and approachable. Why not offer them biscuits and tea to keep them relaxed after a hard day's work?


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