Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Long and Winding post

 Under the cut is a lot of whinging including  reasons for my lack of posting and commenting.

(also i tried to upload some photos for a post today. Blogger seems to have changed the uploader and it doesn't work at all for me, anyone else having this problem)



I'm so sorry that my posts are spoardic at best at the moment. I've posted before about how I would be reducing the amount of time i spent on blogger due to needing to spend more time on my creativity (especially my painting) but you may have noticed that 'reducing' turned into 'no time whatsoever'. I really am sorry about this, I love my blog (it's been going nearly a year now and i am amazed at the amount of people who read these little mumblings) and i love reading other peoples, i used to pride mysel on commenting on basically every entry of every blogger i follow. Now i am completely behind on peoples blogs and haven't commented in about a month.

The reason for this, and in fact the reason that I had to consciously start taking time to paint and things is that I'm not particularly well at the moment. I've had depression for about 2 years now and it comes and goes in how difficult it is to cope with. Unfortunately for the last month or so it's been particularly bad and i just don't have the motivation to do much of anything really. Even writing a little post or taking a photo or two is oddly difficult.
Usually i take medication which is meant to help my depression and anxiety (which it doesn't help with at all sadly) but i lost the log-in details for my doctors online prescription service and because of my anxiety just going and asking for a new set or getting an appointment just for that is out of the question.

And also, and i dread writing his because it sounds so incredibly stupud and shallow, but i've been incredibly unhappy with the way i look lately.
Over the last year or so i've put on a lot of weight, about 2 dress sizes. I just don't feel good about myself. I don't like how my body looks now, but more than that it's the clothes that really causes me misery. I love clothes so much and used to take such great pride in choosing my outfits. Unfortunately now i only have a few choices that actually fit me. Trying to put on a skirt or whatever that you love, that used to make you feel sexy or glamourous or whatever, and finding it won't go past your hips is a bit crushing.
I've been trying to diet for a while, for about a month i was quite good at sticking to my strict-ish diet. The problem is generally i don't actually eat badly. I always have plenty of fruit and veg, i cook all my meals from scratch (or the vast majority anyway), i basically only drink water or very occaisionally one glass of juice and while i certainly comfort-eat i rarely overeat. Before my diet an average day  would consist of me having a lunch like beans on toast or a sandwich or similar, some fruit, a proper dinner (usually pasta, rice with something and as i'm a vegetarian it's always leaner than meat) and then something sweet after dinner like a bit of chocolate. So not the most healthy diet but i certainly wouldn't think it was terrible. Anyway because i don't eat badly usually (at least i don't think so, please someone tell me if i'm wrong!) dieting is really bloody hard (well it is for everyone, i know) so my diet has to be pretty strict. I tried to  keep to just eating my usual main dinner, fruit and a bowl of cereal, with maybe a very low calorie snack, so basically remaining healthy but reducing my calorie intake a lot. Unfortunately when you go from comfort eating to trying to eat very little without actually feeling any better it's very hard to keep it up. And lately i've slipped back to my old eating habits, except now with even more guilt.
Blah, i will be back on 'the wagon' soon though.
The reason i am mentioning this is because, because I don't feel attractive and am depressed and apathetic, I haven't really been making the effort with my makeup or fashion choices. And when i do actually make the effort i still don't feel good enough about myself to document it and show photos. So, while i do still adore makeup and haven't lost my passion as  a beauty blogger, but i just don't have the motivation at the moment to post.

Anyway those are reasons my posts haven't been up to par for the last little while. I really hope you understand and I don't lost too many followers over this. I promise that i will be back and as a proper member of the blogging community. Not just posts more than once every few weeks but reading and commenting on peoples blogs and replying to comments on my own.

I am going on holiday on monday, Claire and I are going to Disneyland Paris, one of the happiest places on earth, so hopefully some of that happiness will rub off and i'll be a happier chap when i return.

Love you all

20 comments:

  1. Aww, I'm sending you lots of hugs right now. I hope that you start to feel better soon xxxx

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  2. it sucks that your feeling so down lately :(
    I find that when I am upset watching the Muppets helps. :p

    about losing weight, I am trying to do lose some myself my mom and I just bought a weighted hula hoop. We have not got it yet, but every thing I have read makes it sound like a great work out that is fin and easy.

    anyway, it might be something to look into.

    I hope you feel better soon and get lots of art done,

    Love,
    Zoe

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  3. I'm so sad to read all this and i really hope that you will feel a little better soon.

    And I have to say that your blog is one of my absolute favourites so I have really missed your posts. You seem like such a nice and wonderful person, and i really like your style too. But I understand that its hard to post something when your not feeling too god.

    Have a wonderful time in Disneyland!

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  4. I'm sad to read this! I hope you'll re-discover the fact that you are really beautiful soon! :D
    Please, get better!
    I wish you well!

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  5. Feel better soon and know you are beautiful!

    Hope Disneyland makes you feel better! xxx

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  6. We will all be waiting for you to come back when you feel ready, just take your time! Enjoy Disneyland!! xx

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  7. You're wonderful. We'll be waiting.

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  8. Been worried about you Mrs! Thanks for posting.

    Going to be bossy now though....

    If you haven't been to the Drs yet GO!
    Please make an appointment, get Claire to do it, what ever.....just go get your meds sorted soon as. Even if you don't feel like they work, all the more reason to get an apt. ((hugs))

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  9. I hope you return soon! But dont rush yourself. I know how it is to have anxiety like that, and every time i try to ring the drs to make an appointment about it my throat closes up and i have a panic attack (useful.) so i feel for you!
    Have a wonderful holiday!

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  10. Pretty much what everyone else said. *hugs*

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  11. You just put everything I feel into words. Amazing. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for a few years myself. I started visiting a doctor and now I've been taking pills & having therapy for 7 months. Fortunately, my anxiety has faded and I don't feel uncomfortable speaking with a person or two. I only feel faint in crowds. I really feel everything you wrote about and I feel really sad you have the same thing to go through.

    In my case, I don't gain weight. I lose it. Whenever I get depressed, I lose a pound or two. And regaining it is extremely hard. I've always been thinner than most people. And I'm tall (5'10 or so) and I've been teased about it. But now I've lost around 20 pounds and I weigh 99 pounds. I'm all bones. And being a vegetarian like you doesn't really help. People literally every day comment how thin my legs are or how I should eat. What gets to me is that people honestly believe I starve myself. However, I eat around 8 times a day and my calorie intake is around 3000 a day. Which is plenty. Some weeks I have no motivation to get out of bed, cause I know people start judging me the minute I step outside.

    I still hope I'll get through this. And I send my happy&positive thoughts to you and hope you'll be a happy person someday, too. Take care!

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  12. I know you're not wanting to go in and get a prescription because you lost your doctor's login details - because it all just feels so overwhelming.

    Depression is a chemical imbalance. It's nasty and insidious. When you are a little depressed, you don't always realize it - until you're so unhappy that you can barely stand to move, you can't even summon the energy to make a phone call, you just want someone to come and fix it all for you, but you haven't any idea who to call.

    See if you can ask for your roommate's help going to your doctor, getting a prescription refill (or even evaluated for a new prescription - the body keeps adjusting so that what worked four years ago may not work any longer). It's not going to be easy. It's going to feel like you're treading water in a vat of jelly. But do go to the doctor, demand a new prescription - not merely a refill, and then go from there.

    I hope you do enjoy your holiday at Disneyland!!

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  13. *hugs* i'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish , i think you beautiful and i always read your blog as your outfits make my day.
    hope to see you back soon
    take care xxx

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  14. Dieting is horrible especially as you had a healthy diet anyway! Don't worry about diet slip ups, just cut down portions and it will help eventually. I've gained weight in the last year, it is annoying, but after a few weeks you will notice a difference. It's just important to not feel bad if you have a day where you fancy a treat, you deserve a treat! :)
    I hope you have a lovely holiday! x

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  15. Thankssssss for the give away: http://look-at-myotherworld.blogspot.com/2010/10/lush-y-look-de-unas.html
    (I couldn't have done it before.)
    Happy holiday!!

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  16. Dear Lillian,

    I discovered your blog a while ago during a time when I couldn't use my laptop so had to resort to using my iphone (which is quite painful) and trust me, I went through A LOT of your entries despite being so confined and having to scroll and tap quite a fair amount.

    Point is, I've come to love your blog and the person that you are. It saddens me that you're going through so much but you should know that you're amazingly strong if you're still able to post here and explain yourself without hiding away what's really going on.

    If I could, I would love to meet you in person just to give you a hug. Please take care of yourself and feel better about life soon. I hope you and Claire have a fantabulous time at Disneyland. Look forward to seeing a post on your holiday (especially a shot of you with Snow White or Belle)!

    Keep being the lovely girl that you are.
    Love,
    Natsumi (Suki). xoxxx

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  17. Heya¡­my very first comment on your site. ,I have been reading your blog for a while and thought I would completely pop in and drop a friendly note. . It is great stuff indeed. I also wanted to ask..is there a way to subscribe to your site via email?
    doctors online

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  18. Bless you, I know 100% how you feel with the depression, although I'm not technically 'clinically depressed', I have 'Major Depressive Episodes', apparently. I believe this means my depression likes to take some time off now and again, which is a welcome break, but not necessarily controlled well by medication for those reasons.

    I also get into this guilt cycle - when I'm happy I'm a lovely bubbly popular person. A day brightener people say... but then when I'm depressed I'm suddenly feel I've lost what everyone loves about me in the first place. All my confidence in myself goes, and there becomes less outside validation. 'You're such a smiler' becomes 'Whats wrong, you don't seem yourself?' Leading to more depression/feelings of worthlessness. Wish I could just cheer up!! As I'm sure do you.

    :o) Chin up though, I hope it gets better for you (and I!) soon. Try to get back to the doctors, but I take a herb called 'Rhodiola Rosea' recommended to me, and ok'ed by my Doc. Not sure how well it works really, but it seems to do something, and hey - even a nice placebo effect is better than nothing x

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  19. dear lillian

    NEVER EVER EVER GIVE UP !!!!

    stay strong, stay brave and see the beauty within you. take one day at a time.

    with love from someone who travels a similar path.

    maddie xxx

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